Raw. Relief. Real.
Life has a way of catching your attention. Sometimes in a breathtaking moment of almost painful joy. Sometimes in a second of sheer desperation and despair. My life the last 1 1/2 yrs was the latter. Days laced with tumultuous emotions. Nights filled with tears. I didn't know which way was up or if there was even an "up." I couldn't/didn't pray. I couldn't/didn't share, even with my husband. I thought I knew what loneliness was, until then. The reason this is making its way to my blog? Cause there is joy. There is an "up." There is a Friend who will never leave you even if you sometimes leave Him. And I want to save for all time what He spoke to me in the moment I gave up. And maybe you can hear His whisper in your heart as well.
It didn't start one day. It didn't come out of the blue. It was a journey of a life. A life spent hiding. A life spent denying. You can't do it forever and my heart finally could not quiet itself and a cry began to be uttered. A cry for freedom. A cry for truth. A cry for something REAL.
I was a young wife. A young mother of the sweetest toddler and another girlie who was arriving in 4 months. Every day I drug myself out of bed and thru the day hoping my tears would wait to fall until my husband was asleep. At times I would take a shower, not because I was dirty but because then I could pretend the moisture on my cheeks was tap water and the stifled sobs could not be heard over the noise of the water hitting the floor. Our marriage was strained. I wondered if I had married the wrong man.
RAW.
One day. One brief moment. One faint whisper on the wind. I tried to convince myself it was my imagination. To deny that GOD still cared. still loved. still wanted me to be His child. I had fallen too far. I had not done enough. I was worthless. but I had heard.
It was a whisper. a few words. but they rang over and over and over again in my heart. they calmed me. they spoke hope. they sounded like the beautiful blue that filled the summer sky. and I knew there was an "up."
DO WHAT YOU KNOW TO DO. AND REST.
that simple.
the next weeks were filled with pondering. wonderment. confusion. uncertainty. yet those words were woven thru each day. I clung to them. I spoke them out loud.
RELIEF.
Then there was the dream. I don't put stock in dreams. I never dream. Normally.
There was a baseball field. I was with a group of people clustered at home plate. The leader asked me to walk with him to first plate and face second. Once there he spoke a few words, "if I ask you to return to home plate the quickest way possible, what is your first, natural response?"
"I would run the bases with all the speed I have. I would do my utmost to exert the last ounce of my strength to reach the goal; to obey."
"And the result? you would get to home plate but you would be exhausted. you would be sweaty. you would be worn to a frazzle. No breath. No strength. Absolutely spent. You did as you were asked. You reached the goal. You obeyed. but the truth is, if you would have paused a moment, turned to me and asked,"
"How do you want me to reach the goal?"
"I would have taken you by the shoulders and turned you to face home plate and you would have seen it was a straight stretch. A simple walk would have brought you to the goal as quickly as running the bases with all your strength. You would have reached the goal full of energy, full of zeal, full of LIFE. All you needed to do is ask."
I awoke.
I'm learning to pause. to breathe. to take a moment and simply ask, "How to, LORD?" the healing has begun. the noise of the lies is easing under the truth of the Word. I am learning to be honest with myself and with my husband. Our marriage is strengthening. I am learning to LIVE life.
