The Blooming of Love-The Restoring of Song

   The past months I have had thoughts swimming round in my head but no clear direction in anything... :) I've pondered blogging but didn't know exactly what I had to say to myself...but last night I set my alarm and said, "God, If I am supposed to blog out what I feel in my heart and things that are becoming real to me, please help me awake alert and ready." With my health issues at the moment, my body struggles to fall asleep at night and doesn't "awake" till after noon. :) but here I am, at 6:30am and my thoughts are at the tip of my tongue....

   It is quite true that looking back can get you into trouble and despair but I do believe that it also reveals so much of oneself and the miraculous grace and love of Christ! The past 10 months and longer my thoughts have kept drifting back to a particular incident in my childhood.

   I wondered why and this past weekend I think God showed me the reason and I'd like to share it with you, because it has set me free from yet another chain the enemy bound me with for nearly 2 decades, and I won't stop worshipping my God!

  Growing up I always seemed to notice the sad and hurting, the worn and afraid, the lonely and neglected. *chuckle* as a teen I wished I wouldn't... :) I wanted to be with the "cool peeps" not creating a group of my own with those "uncool" like myself but inwardly I knew that being Christ to the world meant loving those who were not on the top of the style trend and maybe didn't have the sweet rides--they were loved by God, just as much as the rest! I never stopped to think why my heart went out to these individuals,  I was a child myself, but the thought did at times cross my mind , "is this a calling from God?" it seemed too lofty and amazing that He would have given me a slice of His tender heart for all mankind so I chalked it up to just being overly sensitive to that "look" because of my own struggle in that area. I did also admit that my parents were the example I was following as I cannot remember my folks ever shutting their door to anyone in need and they often tended to invite those less "popular" to join us at our table and I respected and admired that, even as a child.

   I am by nature a leader, in our cousin group I was the oldest and those younger than I were my devoted companions in all sorts of imaginary play I came up with, from playing orphans stowing away in the belly of a plane, (under a trampoline) to creating an American Girl Club all our own with a secret thorn bush hideaway, a full fledgeduniform, hand-stitched doll blankets, and regular scheduled events helping the widows of the community and selling cookies & lemonade at a yard sale to raise funds for our own formal tea party. :) We had jolly fun! Thru my teen yrs that all changed and I was bewildered as to why. Give me a task and I would perform it to the nth degree with excellence being my goal but for the most part I stayed in the shadows, slunk around the corner to hide from all eyes and couldn't hold up my head in confidence. In my heart I knew why but God's loving plan hadn't reached the full completion till now. 

   I was probably in the age range of 9-12 yrs when this occurred and looking back I see now where it bound me and formed who I became--

  There was a girl in church, she was very distantly related to me and never joined the rest of our wild playing after services. I noticed. One Sunday thru church I drew her a little card on  my notepaper and after we were dismissed I hurried to find her, that little folded paper clutched tightly in my hand, a bit of trepidation in my heart but it wasn't strong enough to deter me. Down in the basement, with that old orange carpet, I found her standing with a few of her cousins who were visiting that day. I nearly left without giving her that token but I had come this far and might as well finish what I started. I walked up and handed it to her, she took it without thanks, and I wandered a distance away and watched. She opened it and they all read it with some giggles then, bunched together, they started walking away. Just before they left the room they passed the large trash cans waiting for a fellowship meal and I saw her hand reach out and drop that paper into the garbage. I can still feel that sharp, searing pang in my heart seeing it fall, not knowing that with its descent the enemy found a door into my heart and at that moment began undermining the calling God placed in my life with the intent of destroying it completely. I don't remember if I fished that card out of the trash but I do remember that every time I would walk into the room, even after the carpet was replaced with blue, or I would see those large garbage cans, that memory would flash into my mind and that lump would rise again into my throat. I would bring the pain to the Lord numerous times thru the years and ask for healing, I would forgive her repeatedly and pray blessing over her but I never could get too far from the memory. Why?? Last week I read the first chapter in the book I'm  reading with my Book Study buddies and I realized the journey God has brought me thru--and I say thru because I can begin to see now His perfect plan and loving care.

                          "Rejection isn't just an emotion we feel. It's a message that is sent to the core of who we are, causing us to believe lies about ourselves, others and God.

We connect an event from today to something harsh someone once said (or did). That person's line becomes a label. The label becomes a lie. The lie becomes a liability in how we think about ourselves and interact in every future relationship."

Lysa TerKeurst in Uninvited

   Do you see the reality of that statement in my life? Going from the bubbly, outgoing leader of all to the teen who never talked, sat in the dark on the hard ground instead of joining the gang around the fire, self worth annihilated. Who was I?? I was worthless; the clodhopper, the illiterate one who stumbled over words, the one who never gave personalized gifts as she didn't think she was capable of knowing what was beautiful and precious so stuck to gift cards/cash or a simple text message. I never shared my opinions. I never disagreed out loud. (though I did have loud and assertive conversations when alone in my car) :) I spent my whole life struggling to measure up to others expectations because that must be who I was; I didn't know myself. There were the moments when all I wanted was to be "rebellious" and be true to me but instantaneously the thought would come, "Who you are isn't someone anybody would want or appreciate. You'd better just try harder at measuring up." So I did.

   I was the best at hard work. I was tough; I was NOT a sissy! I could do what any man could. I was never too tired, I would never say "no". Then maybe someone would love me.

   Oh the enemy had his goal!! the walls around my heart grew taller every day--I pushed all people away while yet reaching out in desperation but turning to flee when a hand was held out in love. I wrestled with  myself, wanting, needing, fearing, hating the neediness, hating the walls--

   I remember another incident when I was about 14-16yrs--Have any of you read Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard? Its an allegory of our spiritual walk and I would highly recommend it! I am not one who enjoys fairytales, as I call them, where the prince swoops in and all ends right with the world. :) I am too practical by nature and the truth is it never happens--too much red tape. :) but the first time I read Hind's Feet and got halfway thru the first chapter I burst into tears.

    "perfect love casts out fear..."

 "Has Love been planted in your heart, Much Afraid?" as the Shepherd said this  he looked at her very steadily and she realized that his eyes were searching into the very depths of her heart and knew all that was there far better than she did herself.

  After a long pause she answered, "I think that what is growing there is a great longing to experience the joy of natural, human love and to learn to love supremely one person who will love me in return. I see the longing to be loved and admired growing in my heart, Shepherd, but I don't think I see the kind of Love that you are talking about, at least, nothing like the love which I see in you."

 "Then will you let me plant the seed of true Love there now?" asked the Shepherd

 Much Afraid shrank back, "I am afraid! I have been told that if you really love someone you give them the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can." 

 "That is true," agreed the Shepherd, "To love does mean putting yourself into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very afraid of pain, are you not? But it is so happy to love," said the Shepherd quietly. "It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant."

 "Please plant Love in my heart now," she said faintly.

 The Shepherd put His hand in His bosom, drew something forth, and laid it in the palm of His hand. Then He held His hand toward Much Afraid. "Here is the seed of Love," He said. 

 She bent forward to look then gave a startled little cry and drew back. There was indeed a seed lying in the palm of His hand, but it was shaped exactly like a long, sharply pointed thorn. "Won't it hurt if you put it into my heart?"

  "It is so sharp that it slips in very quickly, but I have already warned you that Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know Pain too."

   Much Afraid looked at the thorn and shrank from it. Then she looked at the Shepherd's face and a strange new courage entered into her. She suddenly stepped forward, bared her heart and said, "Please plant the seed here in my heart."

   His face lit up with a glad smile then he pressed the thorn into her heart. It was true, just as he had said , it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet but the sweetness was the stronger. 

   The Shepherd looked at her kindly but also with full understanding. He knew her through and through , in all the intricate labyrinth of her lonely heart, better far than she knew herself. no one understood better than he, that growing into the likeness of a new name is a long process, but he did not say this. 

   Much Afraid turned her face homeward, her heart full of happiness and excitement. As she started across the fields she sang to herself--

Draw me and I will run after you

You are my heart's one choice

Oh bring me to your royal house

To dwell there and rejoice

There in your presence, O my King

To feast and hear your voice

Look not on me with contempt

Though soiled and marred I be

 The King found me-an outcast thing-

And set His love on me

I shall be perfected by Love

Made fair as day to see

   I remember praying these words--asking God to plant His Love in my heart, regardless of the pain. The battle between the enemy's lies and God's Love was strong every day and at times it seemed neither one won but a truce was declared for a time. 

   Over the years I kept finding instances and words that seemingly confirmed the enemy's whispers and then God's love would speak a truth so I seesawed. :) I didn't understand what was happening but when, pregnant with our second, dealing with family issues, health, mothering, I was no longer willing to "love only if I was to be loved in return," I NEEDED LOVE! the real LOVE. because without it I could not exist. And THAT was what God was leading me to all this time. GOD IS LOVE. I needed God. I believed the enemy was speaking what was true of my life when all the time what he was speaking was lies I let become true because I did not let Love reign. I used to ask, "What is love?" I didn't recognize it in the actions of people around though their words spoke, "I love you." I spoke those words but wondered if I meant them? How would I know? GOD IS LOVE. LOVE IS GOD. I can't give you a formula for Love--there isn't a gauge to measure the sincerity and depth of someone's love for you.

Get GOD. You get LOVE. Need LOVE? Get GOD. 

   Once God's timing was right and His work completed in bringing me to where I was willing to listen to His every word and recognized my deep need for His words, He began to speak to those lies I had allowed to form and shape me. I began to see the truth, to see Love budding, to feel His smile in the sunshine. But there was still this instance of rejection  He kept bringing to mind. I believe He wanted me to grasp the truth of the depth the lies will take us to if we listen to them. The enemy is out to destroy us so why do we think he can tell us something that benefits or is true? I knew that but I didn't. Now I see it clearly, but it took 2 decades of living in the mire and muck, like Christian in Pilgrim's Progress till I was willing to grab ahold of God's outstretched hand and never let go.

   A childhood rejection sent me into a spiral of death, 1-because of the hurt and pain which was real- 2-because I chose to hear the lies. I gave the enemy the open door to influence me. I let it fester in self pity and bitterness instead of like a child, receiving God's healing. There is always a reason to feel hurt. There is always a reason to your pain. But for me, God was there saying, "Give me your pain and I will give you Love" and I said "No, I want my pain! I'll sacrifice the Love." My human reasoning gave me permission to be "hurt" to be "rejected" to pull back and be "worthless." I wasn't willing to be a "Child" and run into my Daddy's arms and say, "It hurts!" and let His Love heal it. I wanted to claim my pain as an excuse for my actions. I rejected the healing that would make the pain go away. It made it too unfair. I wanted to blame someone. But in the end I harmed not only myself but also those around me that I pushed away or subjected to my bitter anger....

   But GOD! thru the journey He never left my side. He never let the enemy take over. He never backed down in the fight for my life. He let me run my course till His time was perfect. It was all in His plan, all the time! He knew that my stubborn, hard head needed an extra strong dose of pain and trial until it turned to Love as the only way. His love is now slowly budding--blooming--in His time! as He leads me forth from the depths He does it slowly and patiently, never losing heart as I slide back down the slippery slope of lies--He reminds me of the truth He so clearly spoke to me and each time that sprout of Love grows taller, stronger, healthier. "perfect Love casts out fear (and lies)"

   What brought all this to a realization in my heart?? Saturday. Why that day? I was driving the 3 1/2 hr drive home from a vendor event in Kalispell all alone and decided to turn on the music and belt it out as I used to do as a single girl driving to and from the cleaning jobs. So, volume cranked and voice bellowing I was jamming along when a thought hit me. For the last 6 years I had pretty much quit singing. Why? I had allowed a voice that made an cruel statement about my singing kill it. Kill the joy I felt while singing, make me believe I had no talent and a horrible voice. I even felt embarrassed singing to my girls if my husband could hear. Another lie the enemy used to try and destroy me.

   Earlier that morning I had been pouring out my heart to God as I drove and the cry that came forth was, "God, what do you see in me?" I have often thought of how do I appear to people? Am I growing in grace? Does Jesus shine out or am I an obnoxious, arrogant, know it all. Do my kind and loving intentions show forth Jesus' love or are they coming from emotion and have no worth. What does God see when He looks at me? I know I am righteous. I know I am cleansed. I know I am loved. But what does He see? I simply asked Him to show me sometime what He sees because, much as I want to showcase Him to the world, it really isn't what people see in my life that holds worth, it is what He sees in me.

   The song, "Amazing Grace/Not by Might/Are you Washed" by Robin Mark began to play but scarcely had the first stanza completed before I began to cry. I have never cried like that before. I was laughing. I was crying. I was coming from the depths of my soul. There was a tearing of walls; a healing of hearts. I was laughing.

He gave me my music back. 

That thought kept ringing thru my heart. The spontaneous joy, the lightness of heart, I felt it again after 6 years.

   My family are big singers. We love music. We would often gather around the kitchen table and sing in the evenings. Once I was married I rarely listened to music. I shoved that part of me to the back burner. Because of a lie I allowed. The last year I have made efforts to regain that joy that expression of music. I made steps to play music thru the day, to sit at the piano at times. I joined a community choir. I enjoyed it but the raw joy was still missing. And Saturday, without me asking, He restored to me the JOY of song! As I dwelt in the moment, savoring the cracking of that stodgy old shell around my heart, I felt that He already had answered my morning prayer. I didn't expect it so soon and just that fact made me thrill. He heard and answered. There was no waiting to see if I meant it. No holding back for a few weeks to make sure I was good enough. I came like a child asking for His wisdom and truth in my heart and He poured out when I least expected it and in that, I knew I was Loved. He was seeing Jesus in me. He gave me a Song of Praise. 

  I am not the greatest singer. I do have a loud voice. It doesn't reach the high notes but I can growl low. :) But what does the quality of voice matter when the Song from within is Worship? He restored the Joy of Worship through Song to my heart. 

   Does this make me feel "Perfect?" NO! Have I arrived at the destination? NO! But I do feel it's another step in the right direction--another wall torn down from my heart--a deeper level of relationship between me and my God and I rejoice!!

You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. Psalm 3:3