When GOD is Silent

   I have had thoughts rolling around in my head the past weeks and need to proclaim these truths...

   You might have gathered from the last few posts that I have been struggling and searching for a light in a pretty dark alley...you have made a correct diagnosis. :) Growing up I thought I knew what sorrow and loneliness was, and what it felt like to feel alone and incapable but the past 2 years have shown me otherwise and I am beginning to understand that it was God's mercies and loving-kindnesses.
   I am a capable person. There is little that I cannot figure out and do. But when it comes to trusting people--trusting GOD--I fail most miserably. I prefer to walk alone then to depend upon another. Yet my heart has always longed for a deep and intimate relationship with the ONE who created me, who gives me breath and who has placed His love and life in me.
   I need to complete in order to be worthy. I gauge my self worth by the tasks accomplished and the control displayed. I am not comfortable in my own skin, never have been, and on a spiritual level I always feel like I don't make God happy--I don't deserve His grace and love--I need to earn it first. And so I set goals, and fail to complete them. Kicking myself, I walk on aching for His kind words and assurance of value but not accepting them when offered as I don't deserve them.
 

God in His loving-kindness led me thru the valley of the shadow of death--self death--where everything is silent and dark. Void of visible life, stripped of vision, and incapacitated with doubts and a despair so deep I could feel the ache in every fiber of my being. I had no choice but to look up into the dark, tumultuous cloud of  questions and ask, "God, are You there? Is it too late for me? Have I gone too far? Has my life been wasted and a sham? If there is a way out of this You need to do it because I CAN'T! I can't do it alone anymore. I can't do it in my own strength. I give up my dreams, my goals, my hopes because there is no way I am capable of anything. I am not worthy of Your grace, not worthy of another chance, but God, I can't live another day like this--alone. I NEED YOU! in whatever way You wish to lead me, as long as You are with me. in whatever You ask of me, as long as You are by my side. in whatever situation that I need to face, as long as You hold my hand. I'll do anything if it means You are my friend."
   And God was silent.


   I walked on thru each day but that prayer continued upward and then that fateful day when I heard a whisper of a reply. I kept seeking, listening to sermons and somehow in each one I heard the voice of God saying, "Shana, I'm here. I always have been. I always will be." I have listened to these whispers of hope over and over again each day and slowly His voice has become louder and sank deeper into my heart, soaking into the cracked, dry soil, permeating every corner and I have heard snatches of a song wafting out of lips that had forgotten how to sing.

Beauty for ashes. 


Joy for mourning.



this is a 15 min clip

In all of my trouble, in all of my failings, frailties and deficiencies, You have had a plan and this plan has been flowing thru me and is absolutely unhindered. This plan is not stopped by my frailties, it is not stopped by my doubting Him in my journey, it is not stopped by my failing Him 

It never was about me--it was about a river of life flowing thru us in spite of our failures, in spite of our struggles. It is about Him. 


       this is a 15 min clip

God is not a man who can lie

God has already spoken to us and there is no need for Him to repeat Himself

When God said "let there be light" it didn't mean that there wouldn't be night

We cannot make happen what God has said He would do thru your life, only He can

All we can do is hear His voice and hold to what He has spoken to us. On my part and your part is to believe Him


{When God is silent --Sandeep Poonen}

We can't hear the silent love of God while we are complaining and murmuring


{Loneliness --Carter Conlon}